Erp Women are Easy
by ann no aku
Summary: Updated! Crichton is married? Crais reacts strangely to the smell of jasmine? And Erp women are easy?
1. Author's Forward: An Erp Woman's Intro

Author's Forward: An Erp Woman's Intro

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Forward to Erp Women are Easy

Greetings! I have just a few notes, explanations, and dedications for my story.

Notes: I have recently fallen in love with Farscape (it took years of me trying) and only really getting into the season finales every year. Thus, I do not know much about the series and the story may seem awkward. Most to all of my work is AU (Alternate Universe) and never takes place in any specific timeline or episode (including this fic!).

Explanations: I have no real explanation to offer about my being eccentric other than the fact I am a cynic (and loving it!). Just ignore the weird parts and things that don't exactly add up (it will all make sense in the end) and enjoy this story I have been needing to write for a while now.

Dedications: Thank you Rockne S. O'Bannon and David Kemper for creating such a wonderful science fiction show (other than Babylon 5, of course! Check out my other stories!); and much thanks to Michi G. (my IRL friend also posted on fanfiction.net, look at her stuff, too!). She makes me write and post things (then has the nerve to insult my work).

Thank you to all of my loyal fans and have fun reading this.

Ann no Aku


	2. Recreating with the Woman from Erp

Erp Women are Easy

By: Ann no Aku

Author's Notes: Please read my forward (if you have not already). It offers notes, explanations, and dedications for this work. Reviews (including flames) are appreciated. Constructive criticism has never killed anyone. Thank you!

Prologue: Recreating with the Woman from Erp

Immediately after entering the Farscape II module (DK had created a second one to go in search of his best friend), Sydney Crichton injected some insulin into herself. She had grown quite used to having to prick herself and giving herself shots. Her diabetes was the sole reason that DK and Jack didn't want her to go. Jack was especially furious.

"You can't go, Syd!" he had shouted at her. "It is my job to go after him. He's my son!" *He's important to me, too,* she had thought.

Syd had packed a duffle bag full of staples (including a few of John's favorite non-perishable foods, such as candy bars and chips) and stole the blue prints of the ship from DK's office. She had studied his notes and taught herself how to pilot the vessel. Nervously, she pulled her long blonde hair back into a sloppy pony tail and stared blankly at the console in front of her. *I can do this,* she told herself. *I cannot let John down. He best not be dead, or I'll have to kill him again.* Her shaking hands tugged at the controls and levers, then she started the ship.

The module shot out from Earth, into the atmosphere, and then out into lonely, empty space. Syd's nimble fingers quickly punched in the code to open the artificial wormhole. A bright blue whorl opened up before her, and she dove into the wild abyss. The ship violently shook and sparks danced around her. Unstable. The vortex was dangerous! There was no way in which she could survive the ride. *Is this how he died?* she wondered. It never seemed to end. Endless sapphire ripples encased the module. The hole twisted and turn like a distorted pipe stuck in jell-o. The ship's velocity suddenly increased as though it was being shoved from behind. Heat burned from behind Syd. A jolt knocked her face into the wall and her safety harness quickly shot her head back into the stiff seat. Pain shot up her spine to the contusion rapidly forming on the back of her head. Blood leaked from a gash on her forehead, dripping onto her orange jump suit.

A small fire had started in a corner of the floor. Syd kicked at it, spraining her ankle in the process. *How did John do this? How the hell did her survive this?* Steam forced screws loose on a metal plate, sending the disk into her face. She fell into darkness and did not see the end of the portal.

Once through, the module came to a full stop. Burnt marks stained the ship, but the icon of the American flag was untouched. An alien vessel approached the Farscape II module, unbeknownst that it was even there. The large black carrier was on a collision course.

"Scorpius," a Peacekeeper lieutenant began, "I am detecting an unknown alien vessel."

The Scarran hybrid paced in his office, his leather-bound hands clenched together behind him. "Yes?"

"I believe it came from the distortion we had detected a couple of arns ago."

"Show me," Scorpius commanded. An image of the Erp ship appeared on the screen in his office. His mad eyes grew wide with excitement. He knew it was Cricthton's ship, there was no denying that the pod belonged to his adversary. "I want that ship on board now! Secure its location and don't let anyone touch it."

"Aye, Sir."

Scorpius continued to stare at the ship. It was calling him. Soon he'd have the secrets of the wormhole technology. The idea excited him. But something still nagged him at the back of his mind. Why was Crichton out in the open in Sebacean space away from his shipmates?

He quickly dismissed the thought, not wanting to think the possible reasons why the alien's pod mysteriously appeared before him. He didn't want to think of it as a trap or to find the ship empty--no records nor Crichton. Scorpius wanted to capture John; it had become an obsession of his, a hobby. He wanted to know everything about the ship, too, and to study it and steal it's secrets. He wanted control.

"Braca," he called over the com. "Meet me in the hangar."

"Yes, Sir," he acknowledged.

So close. Scorpius almost succeed. He was only a few arns away from the Uncharted Territories greatest discovery.

=/\=

The door to the module was delicately pried open, revealing an unconscious human form. Tiny sparks and flames lit up the inside. Smoke escaped form the ship, and the charred metal was still warm to touch. It smelled of blood and steal.

"I see that Crichton didn't make it home," Braca joked once seeing the inside of the pod.

"No," Scorpius approached the vessel. "No, that is not Crichton." He didn't know whether to be angry or intrigued. "Whom is this?" Ignoring the stench, he poked his head inside, grabbed the face of the stranger and studied it carefully. "It's another Erpan (that may or may not be right, but it just sounds so cute!). A female." Scorpius felt around, hoping to find something that should reveal her identity. He found a hard, leather-bound wallet in her pocket and hastily flipped through it. He saw a card with her picture and alien symbols typed neatly on the face. "I need someone to translate this," he handed the card to Braca. "I want her on the Aurora Chair and the ship's records copied. We have to hurry so we can return the ship to space."

"Why?" Henta inquired.

"Because I want Crichton to find her. Let him think that we don't know what we know. This will keep us ahead of him."

Braca grinned proudly, as though he had come up with the brilliant idea. "Yes, Sir," he paused to muster the confidence to point out a possibility of the Erp woman. "Should we place her on the Aurora Chair considering that she could be dead?"

Scorpius stared at his right-hand man. "I don't care if she's dead. I want the technology, Braca. Get the frelling body and do as I asked." He pondered his words for a moment. "I want the Erpan in the infirmary later."

=/\=

"Her name is Sydney Crichton," the linguist informed Scorpius.

"That is interesting. She must be his wife."

"Y-Yes," he agreed, nodding his blue alien head.

"Any other information?" the Scarran pressed.

"Date of birth and other things that do not translate well. I do not understand most of it."

"Try to make sense of it, and the ship's logs once the transfer is complete."

"Oh, yes, Sir." he acknowledged. The alien's beady eyes glistened in fear and Scorpius's face reflected in the black glossy orbs. "A-And what do you want done with the female?"

"She's being processed," he smiled thinly, curling his lips into a snarl.

""Right," his wheezing laughter hissed from his small mouth. "Then what are you going to do with her?"

Scorpius eyed Co-Kura curiously. "Why?"

"She's quite beautiful. I wouldn't mind recreating with Crichton's wife."

Annoyed and slightly disturbed by his answer, Scorpius fled the lab to supervise the processing operation. The woman from Erp was pretty, in a grotesque alien way. But he couldn't see himself, or the perverted Co-Kura, recreating with a member of John Crichton's species. Whom knew what diseases they carried or how barbarous they could be? To even consider breeding with a woman from Erp disgusted him!

Yet, Scorpius found the ideal of recreating with someone very special and loved by Crichton curiously appealing. Once again, the hybrid hastily rid himself of the thought. Where did his twisted thoughts derive?


	3. Chapter One: Erp Marriage in a Nut Shel...

Erp Women are Easy

By: Ann no Aku

Author's Notes: Please read my forward (if you have not already). It offers notes, explanations, and dedications for this work. Reviews (including flames) are appreciated. Constructive criticism has never killed anyone. Thank you!

Chapter One: Erp Marriage (in a Nut Shell)

Author's Notes: Sorry it took so long, but I have been having trouble with this chapter! Plus, my obsession with Lani Tupu (Bailar Crais) has consumed much of my time (I'm also obsessed with the word "Erp" in case you have not noticed). Reviews are much appreciated. Arigatou gozaimasu!

John awoke with a sudden start, feeling his head do the spin-cycle. Beads of cold sweat had already formed on his brow. *Great,* he thought, *morning dew.* Annoyed and still groggy, John wiped his brow and stared blankly at the dark, alien ceiling.

"Crichton," Aeryn entered his room, commanding the lights on.

"Geez, Aeryn, did you have to blind me?" he exclaimed. "God!"

"Sorry to disturb you," she apologised sarcastically, "But Moya has detected a temporal distortion . .and a ship."

"And?" he asked after shoving the dentic in his mouth. John stared at the Peacekeeper woman expectantly, not quite gathering what she was saying. Why should he? His body had just alerted him of Aeryn's presence by awaking him!

"The ship is badly damaged, and there's on life sign. It's weak. Moya believes that the ship is from your home world." she calmly announced, awaiting Crichton's explosion.

"Earth?" he reluctantly allowed some drool to escape his mouth. "You're shitting me. Where's the ship?" he wiped his mouth with the back of his arm. "How far away is it?"

"A few arns, seven at most." Aeryn studied him curiously, intrigued by his serenity.

"Seven?"

"For Moya to get there. Talyn will take longer."

"No! I want to get there first!" he whined. "I don't trust D'Argo with another human, especially after all that crap he had put me through at first! I want to find that frelling ship and see whom is inside. Tell Crais to have Talyn starburst us there now!"

"It will still take some time," she argued uselessly.

"Look, Aeryn," he slowly began, "Another human being--one of my people, is out there in space alone. If Scorpius or someone else are to find her, there's no telling what can happen. I don't want any Peacekeepers touching my ship."

"Shouting at me is not going to stop Scorpius, nor make Talyn get us there this instant."

"What?" John looked at her, wondering if he had heard her correctly. "Oh my God."

"Yes?" she demanded, glaring harshly at him.

"You're such a woman," he chuckled. "My uncle would roll in his grave if he heard you."

Very much annoyed for not quite comprehending Crichton, she continued so stare at him. "Of course I'm a woman."

"Forget it. Where's Bi-Polar?" (AN: I don't intend to mock people whom have Bi-Polar disorder, I have two sisters with it. But when I think of John thinking of Crais, I can see him perceiving Crais as being Bi-Polar. If you do not know what it is, look it up! There's too much about it to waste time describing in my story!)

=/\=

Several arns later . .(I am working quickly on this little part here . .)

"Ha ha! I'm so excited. "Chiana squealed. "Another Crichton on board. Can't wait to meet him."

"My species has a name--homo sapiens," he corrected whilst staring at the ship Moya had brought aboard. "How the frell are we going to open this?"

"Hm hm," Rygel chortled. "Allow me." He pulled out a gun and shot at the door several times.

"Rygel! You frelling muppet!" John yelled.

"Calm down," D'Argo ordered. "He opened it."

John gasped as he saw the person inside hunched over the console. Dried blood stained her suit, her ankle was twisted at an odd angle, and her dirty blonde hair was matted to the back of her neck with blood and sweat. "Oh my . ." he felt ill. Bile rose up to his throat as he breathed in the stench.

"Yech," Chiana turned away from the body. "It frelling stinks in there!"

"Probably decomposing," Aeryn coldly said.

"No, she's alive." Crichton entered the module and looked at the human. He carefully unbuckled the harness and carried her out the pod. It had taken everything he had not to cry out in anger. "I'm . .I'm going to place her on a bed and clean her up. Will someone please get me some water?" He had been afraid that his voice would break; and he had barely managed to control himself. Even though the human's injuries were accidental, it angered him that she could have died during flight.

Crichton walked slowly to the nearest set of quarters, trying to be careful with the heavy body. "Syd," he shook her limp body. "Syd, wake up!"

"Who's Syd?" Sun demanded, staring almost crudely at the woman. "Is she your wife?"

"What?" he unzipped the flight suit to study her wounds. "Can't a guy get some frelling band-aids around here?!"

"Chiana found this in the ship," D'Argo said. He tossed a large duffle bag to him. "She had tried to steal a few things." The Luxan also handed John some water and towel.

The bag contained mostly clothes, hygiene products, and Syd's medication. "Shit," John hastily tested Syd's blood for the amount of blood sugar. Mumbling a few more curses, he gave her a shot. Her low blood sugar explained her pale face and slightly blue lips.

"What is it?" Aeryn questioned. "Why did you do that?"

"She has diabetes, and her blood sugar was low. Don't ask me to explain it to you." John found some bandages in the bag and applied them to Syd after cleansing her wounds. He left a small cup of water by the bed, and a bucket. He pushed back some of her hair and kissed her warm forehead.

Aeryn felt a sudden twinge of jealously rising within her. "You love her," she stated coolly.

"Yes," he replied. "It really pisses me off that she had left home."

"She obviously went looking for you because she loves you." Aeryn Sun stormed out the room angrily.

"Aeryn!" he shouted after her, but didn't budge from Syd's bedside. "Great," he mumbled. "Syd, why'd you come here? You had risked your life and the safety of Earth. There are aliens out here that would not hesitate to steal our technology. Space is very dangerous, especially for you. I'm going to help you get back home, I promise." Crichton left Syd to rest, but not without looking at her once again. It hurt him that she was in danger, but he also felt comforted for not being alone.

"Are you going to inject her with translator microbes?" Rygel asked curiously, waiting for him outside the room. He played with the button on his flying chair using his tiny hands.

"No, she's going home."

"Too bad, but not. All of *our* microbes have disappeared. Besides, who would want another one of *you* species hanging around?" he grinned, flashing his greatest smile at him. "But I'm sure that that *hybrid* has some microbes. Probably was born with them, frelling Peacekeepers." (this may or may not be possible, but I have reasons for this happening!)

"What the hell are you babbling?" John demanded.

"Nothing," the Hynerian smirked before releasing a fart. He then floated away.

=/\=

Sydney awoke, feeling nauseous and completely out of touch with reality. Somehow her breakfast found it's way into the large yellow bucket that was waiting beside her bed. The bitter taste of the bile stained her breath. "Oh, God." Her mouth was forced open again as the green acid spilled from her. Hot tears formed in her eyes.

Stumbling to stand up, not quite aware of the pain her ankle, she fumbled through her duffle bag for her toothbrush and toothpaste. She used the cup of water and bucket to brush her teeth, then rinsed her mouth clean. She zipped up her jumpsuit, not quite sensing her spectator.

Crais had been walking back to Talyn when he had heard something from the "homo sapiens" quarters. Intrigued, he had decided to observe the woman. It was obvious that she was oblivious to her surroundings. He had never once just watched a species in captivity to see how they'd behave, but always had found it interesting.

Biting back a curse, Syd suddenly remembered to check her blood. *It's normal,* she noticed. Not wanting to ponder the anomaly, she looked up at her door entrance. There stood a man in a black and red uniform. He appeared human. *Either John fathered the entire universe, or I have just been cast as an extra on a bad episode of Star Trek,* she thought.

Fear built up inside. Her instincts told her to run, and her heart beat wildly against her chest like a caged animal trying to escape. She couldn't move! The stranger's ebony eyes were staring at her--into her! It was as though he had placed a spell on her, mesmerizing her with his beautiful eyes. His face was unchanged, still dark as Syd glared back at him in pure shock.

Before realising that she had regained her legs, Syd ran past the alien and down numerous corridors. It wasn't until she paused to catch her breath that she felt the pain in her foot. She sighed and leaned against the warm wall. It felt hot with life.

"Where am I?" she asked herself out loud. "What the hell is this pace?" Syd gasped for air. "I'm in hell. I am the first person to arrive in hell, and live to tell the tale." Being careful with her injury, she set out to exploring the vessel in hope of finding her own ship.

=/\=

"Crichton!" Crais shouted, waking the commander. "You're wife is missing!"

"What?" his words slurred with sleep. "What do you want, Crais?"

"You're wife!" he repeated. "She's missing."

"How do you know?" John asked, prying himself from the comfortable bed. He pulled on a t-shirt and frowned at the intruder.

"I had heard something coming from her room," he answered quickly.

"And what the hell were you doing by Syd's room?!" he exploded, feeling the adrenalin rush to his brain.

"I wasn't spying on your wife, if that is what you mean!"

"My wife? My wife! I don't have a frelling wife!" He let out a sigh and held his head in his hands before plopping back on the bed. "Sydney is my sister."

"Your sister?"

"Yes, and now she has gotten herself missing."

"On a ship," Crais reminded. "She can't go anywhere."

"My sister is roaming around on an alien ship not having a frelling idea where she is. I'm worried about her, man. She shouldn't even be here. She's sick."

"Sick?"

"It can be deadly if she does not take care of herself. She doesn't even have enough insulin to last her a cycle."

"What will happen when she runs out?"

"She'll enter a coma, like before." John let the silence wash over him for a brief microt. "What made you say that she's my wife?"

"Officer Sun informed me."

"Really?" Crichton inquired. "Frell," he tugged on a pair of pants (yes, Crichton wasn't wearing any pants the entire time!) and boots. "Let's go find my sister, then explain Earth marriage to Aeryn.

End Chapter One! Chapter Two shall be posted in a few days. Please review! Arigatou gozaimasu!


	4. Chapter Two: Revisiting the Erp Breakfa...

Erp Women are Easy

By: Ann no Aku

Author's Notes: Please read my forward (if you have not already). It offers notes, explanations, and dedications for this work. Reviews (including flames) are appreciated. Constructive criticism has never killed anyone. Thank you!

Chapter Two: Revisiting the Erp Breakfast

Author's Notes: I am writing this sort of quickly because school is so frelling boring. Keep those good reviews going. Arigatou gozaimasu! J 

Syd leaned against the wall after slumping tiredly to the floor. She was tired, and even a little hungry. "I'm lost aboard an alien vessel. I'm tired, I'm starved, and even in need of a good shower." A handful of tiny robots worked on a panel down from her position. "And I'm hallucinating." She closed her eyes for a brief moment, reliving her first space experience. There were blurs of red and black, warbled voices, and an array of alien scents that seemed to overload her senses.

Inadvertently, Syd touched the back of her neck, feeling a freshly formed scab. Tiny cuts, like razor nicks, littered her body. *Were all of these from the module?* she wondered. Her orange suit was slightly tattered and torn as though she had been roughed up by a group of gang members. Dried blood splatter marked her suit. She found that she could not remember much of the flight.

"I need to get the hell away from here. I need to get to my ship, screw the duffle bag." Syd slowly stood up, feeling dizzy. She didn't know how long she had been walking, but it felt like hours. The dark halls were endless and empty. No living creature had been in sight. How'd she get on board? Whom brought her ship in? Where was her ship? *Minor details,* she thought. *I just need to get up and go.* Her breathing had already become ragged. Was she low again? She couldn't be! Thinking such thoughts made her nervous, which in turn made her breathing even more erratic.

"Do you need any help?" Alien words! She couldn't understand what the human-looking creature was saying.

Without thinking too much, Syd got up to run away from the alien man. But he stopped her by grabbing her wrists and forcing her to submit to his strength (I would love to submit to his strength!). He was strong and easily over-powered her own naturally weak body. "Let go!" she wanted to scream at him, but couldn't find the words. Instead, Syd passed out in his arms from her hysteria, but not before throwing up for the third time that day. Right on the Sebacean's boots.

"Frell," he cussed and carried the body to Commander Crichton. *Maybe he'd know what to do with this woman!* His thoughts fled back to a few arns earlier when John had said that his sister was ill. He wondered if she was suffering a mild side-effect from her disease. *She does look white,* he mentally noted.

Crais found Crichton in the hangar working on the Farscape II module. "Here's your sister," he announced.

"Where was she?" John demanded, pulling her away from the alien's hands. "What happened?"

"She got scared when she saw me and tried to escape. I caught her. Syd," he carefully pronounced, "was located near Pilot. She . .threw up on my shoes."

"I smell that," he acknowledged giving the soiled boots a disapproving glance. "I wonder why she keeps getting ill (AN: there is a validated reason for this!). Don't touch the pod, Crais, or I swear to God I will not only cut that ponytail of yours . .but Talyn's too. I am going to put her back in bed."

"You should lock her up, too," he mumbled. "She'll need translator microbes; she did not understand me when I asked if she needed help." Crais eyed the limp body with interest.

"Rygel claims that they have all disappeared, yet believes that Talyn may have some onboard."

"I shall check. Will she be traveling with us?"

"Hell yes! I'm not leaving my sister alone on this ship, especially when she has chocolate in her bag!" John left the bay with his sister, leaving Crais to his own devices. He hadn't forgotten about sending his sister home, but he knew that there was no possible way to do it.

"Chocolate?" he repeated, not quite grasping what Crichton had been talking about.

=/\=

John gently slapped his sister across the face and splashed some water on her in an effort to wake her. "Sydney, get up!" he hissed.

Needles poked her. Knives cut into her flesh. Sydney Crichton screamed as hard as she could, sending a quake throughout the ship. She flashed her blue eyes open, surprised that she could even see. Still in shock, she backed into a corner of the hard bed. "Where am I?" she demanded.

"Whoa! Syd, you okay?"

"John?" she looked up at him with a large smile on her face. "Oh my goodness, you're alive!" she pounced on him, luring him into a hug. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too, Syd." He hugged her back before giving her the third degree on why she was in space. "Why are you here, Sydney?"

"I'm an adult now, John. I'm twenty-two." she retorted. "And, D.K. had said that he was going to make another Farscape module to go after you. Dad wanted to go and had planned on stealing it."

"Dad?" he repeated. "Oh, God. Syd, you're afraid of airplanes. What made you think that you could travel in space? And without a helmet?!"

"Everyone was so worried," she said. "Look, I know that my presence here is a potential danger, but I could not let Dad go looking for you!"

"Syd, you're diabetic. There is no way you can survive this place!"

"W-What? Are you saying that just because I didn't follow you and Dad that I can't tell the difference between a spaceship and a god damn planet?" Syd screamed at him. "I may be sick, but I am not stupid!"

"Calm down, Syd. It is not like that at all, alright?"

"Then what is it, huh?" She tore off her boots and plunged back onto the bed. "God, I am so scared, John. Some strange pervert was watching me, then . .then he grabbed me. How long have you been in this prison?"

"About four cycles, I guess." He rubbed his chin for a brief moment while looking at his sister. "Years, I mean." he corrected when he noticed her odd facial expression.

"You've been assimilated into the collective," she joked. "Pass me my bag, will you?"

"Sure," John grabbed it and handed the heavy bag to her. "Why so much stuff?"

"I'd die without proper hygiene. Snickers?" she pulled out a large candy bar.

"Thought you'd never ask," he greedily took the candy and slowly opened the wrapper. "This is the life."

"A Snickers bar?"  
"Chocolate. There's no chocolate in space, you know." John bit heartily into the bar, savoring every flavour that danced on his taste buds. "Ooh . .this is good."

"How many people are onboard?" she inquired. "I have only seen you and that pervert."

"Well . .there's you and me, the pervert Bailar Crais, Aeryn Sun, Chiana, Ka D'Argo, Rygel, and Pilot. This place is like a miniature zoo, though it used to be a prison ship."

"Prison ship?" Syd repeated. "Is that why you are wearing that Nazi uniform?"

"It's not a Nazi--alright, it's like a Nazi uniform. It's Peacekeeper. Aeyrn and Crais are former Peacekeepers."

"Ironic name," she sipped her water graciously. "You understand them then?"

"Translator microbes--injected in me when I had first arrived. I have a distinct feeling that Rygel had sold all of them for one of his many strange reasons." John finished the treat and crumbled up the plastic wrapper.

"I don't really want to know what they say. I just want to get away from here and drag you back to Earth."

"I don't think that's a possibility."  
"What?" she exploded.

"It's too much of a risk for me. Besides, the wormhole was sort of like an accident-"

"No, no. Don't feed me that shit!"

"Syd, there's no way to leave this place. I've tried."

End Chapter Two! Please Review and share your thoughts and feelings! Arigatou gozaimasu!


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